My name is Vanellope Von Shweetz, and as of now, I’m lost. Nope, not in my own land or with my friends. I’m al lone out here, but I heard there are many characters in RPGs. I hope one of them finds me soon… Anyway, as I wait for someone to save the lost princess (Wow, I’m desperate enough to call myself a princess? Geez) let me me recall the events leading up to this for you…
Ralph had made many friends through the Bad Anon meetings he had attended. Sometimes, he would go and visit them, and of course, as the plucky sidekick I am, I joined him along for the ride. It was awesome to go karting with Bowser, and I almost flipped out when I got to meet my hero, Sonic the Hedgehog. Now we were going to visit Sata—I mean, Satine’s game, Eons of Adventure. The two of us waited for the train to come in.
“So what’s Satine’s game even like?” I asked. I was expecting him to have told me already, but considering it’s Stinkbrain….Yeah, and people wonder why I call him that.
“Y’know those RPGs you hear Mario talking about?” I nodded. They were like, giant quest games not meant to be played in one sitting. They usually had some fighting elements as well. “This is an arcade version of those, although it’s really dummied out so there’s only one hero to play with and one long quest.”
“So I take it the world’s pretty big, right?”
“Oh, yeah; there’s a whole lot of cities, ruins, sky castles, and that’s not even mentioning Satine’s kingdom.”
“He has his own kingdom?! Wow! Um…are you sure we won’t need Felix and Calhoun on this trip?” Usually, they came along on some of our more dangerous adventures, and this seemed dangerous in the context that we might get lost. We were both important characters to our games, for programmer’s sake!
“Geez, relax, kid! You act like we haven’t gone on adventures on our own before. And have I ever put you in danger then?”
“Don’t answer that, short-stack.” I giggled at the nickname as the train came in. It looked like somthing from that one Zelda game…Augh, the name escapes me. Anywhoo, we both hopped in, Ralph barely managing to squeeze through the double doors of the train. It was a bumpy ride to the RPG, but it was well worth the inadequate ride.
We came to a train station in the middle of a bustling and ginourmous city. It was enough to exclaim, “Wow.” Which I did. Just as Ralph and I were gonna head off for Satine’s, we heard a whistle directed at us.
“You two! Hulk and monkey girl!” Well, that confirmed it (I’m not that monkey-ish, am I?) We turned to see a tall, thin fella in a puffy, collared shirt and skinny jeans. He had a hand on his hip and a measuring tape in the other. You just couldn’t get any more obvious. He stated, “You two must get proper clothing for this game.”
“Huh, it’s one of those games,” Ralph muttered to himself. Some games you had to change your clothes to get in. Either that, or the games changed you. He then spoke up to the designer. “Alright, how much?” He pulled out different types of currency, including a rupee and a coin from my game. If you hadn’t guessed yet, changes in clothing came with a charge. The man just laughed.
“This is free of charge, sir. People wearing clothing from this game actually get discounts.” He looked Ralph over. “I figured someone of…your stature wouldn’t like to be haggled.” Ralph gave a small frown; he hated being called out on his….ahem, “stature.” I decided to step in before Stinkbrain’s anger got the best of him.
“We’ll take your offer,” I replied, looking to the man. “Just give Stinkbrain some overalls, and we’ll be fine.” The designer guy gave a chuckle, though Ralph’s expression got more irritated. All three of us headed over to his design place, deciding to make the best use of his services.
“Are you done in there, Stinkbrain?” It felt like it’d been an hour since I had picked out an outfit. It had a green vest, white collared shirt, chocolate skirt, knee high socks and penny loafers. The only sweet-themed thing on my outfit was a candy-shaped necklace. Ralph soon came out of an opposite dressing room in his new clothes.
“Ugh, I feel all exposed.” It was indeed a justified feeling. He was in similar red overalls, but no shirt underneath. “But hey, I gotta cool tatoo.” He pointed to a winding dragon tatoo on his left arm. “Now, c’mon, kid, we got an Underworld to see!” I smiled and came to Ralph’s side. We left our regular outfits behind, and dashed to the city.
We came to a bustling cobblestone marketplace. It was filled with heroes, rogues, and downright bad guys. Speaking of bad guys, I saw something big and red, with horns, just outta the corner of my eye. It just had to be Satine! I tugged on Ralph’s overalls, but he seemed distracted.
“Hey, do you know how to get to Satine’s Kingdom?” he asked some NPC merchant. The merchant gasped in shock; it must’ve not been a popular tourist attraction. Satine seemed to be going out of the city, so without trying with my bad guy friend again, I went after him.
I raced for him, going around other characters with haste. I wasn’t the best racer on foot, but fifteen years of wandering sure helped. I finally was close enough to call him but…I saw that it was a red bull two men were carrying. How could I have not of seen it sooner?!
Speaking of which….better check my surroundings. I’m in a forest…the city is nowhere in sight. I’m lost, without a friend to guide me. Weren’t we already at this part?! Anyway, it’s time to start searching for an NPC to help me. I wandered around, calling out for help, but they seemed to fall on death ears. That all changed when I heard something clip-clopping up from behind. I turned to see a red-headed knight and horse riding up to me. The red-head was not my usual knight in shining armor, Ralph. He rode up to me and asked, “Are you lost, Little One?” I didn’t answer his question at first.
“Wow! I’ve never seen a horse before!” I gave the steed a pat on its sturdy leg.
“You really haven’t? They’re quite common in this area.”
“Well, yeah, but never up close! If you haven’t guessed yet, I’m not really from here.”
“Ah, so you are lost. What city are you from?”
“I’m not from no city, or here. I’m from another game.”
“‘Game’? Whatever do you mean?” Ah, he must be an NPC or some dummied-out character. When game worlds are this expansive, some characters don’t realize they’re in one. I just shrugged it off.
“Nevermind. What is important is finding a way back to Ralph, my friend.” The knight offered me a hand to get on the back of his horse. I happily accepted it, holding tight to his waist in fear of falling off. I continued to explain things as we road.
“We were at the main city. It should be the only one with a train station…” “Oh, you mean New Varnyx? The city’s not too far from here; you could get there in an hour by foot. So what does your friend Ralph look like?” “He’s…about as tall as you are on your horse. He has red hair like yours, but it’s darker. In a crowd, he’d basically be a big red blob. We were going to see Satine at his kingdom.”
”SATAN?!" He pulled on the reigns in shock. If I wasn’t clinging to the knight, I would’ve fallen off. "Yeah, I know the guy’s name’s taboo with a capital T. But my friend Ralph’s a bad guy. He destroys stuff for a living, and his full name’s Wreck-It Ralph. But after work, he’s as noble and chivalrous as one of you knights. Hey, maybe I should knight him when we get back home.”
”You’re a ruler?”
“Yep, I’m the president!” I declared proudly. “It’s probably a type of government you haven’t heard of.” He nodded, and I just laughed. We were soon outta the the woods (litterally) when I saw the city just up on the horizon. “Hey, look! There it is!”
“Hyah!” The knight exclaimed as he gave the reigns a whip. The horse was now racing towards the city. We were soon in, towering over the crowd on his steed. People moved as the horse made its way through, and then, I heard a distinct cry of, “Vanellope?”
“Ralph!” Not afraid of losing balance, I stood full hieght, trying to signal to him. I couldn’t be seen over the knight, though. He noticed this, and placed me on his shoulders. I started flailing my hands, trying to keep my balance. Ralph was soon making his way through.
“Vanellope!” he gasped when he finally caught up. He picked me up off of the knight’s shoulders and into his ham hands. “I was so worried! D-Don’t you ever scare me like that again!”
“Ah, don’t get dramatic, you big lug,” I tried to calm him. Seriously, he nearly had tears in his eyes.
“She is fortunate to have found me,” the knight explained. “There are not many pathways in that wood. Also, that way does not lead to Noctesha, Satan’s dwelling place. The way is among the Caves of Burmindor, the the northwest.”
“I got directions already, but thanks.” Ralph placed me on his shoulder; one was enough. “And thank you for finding her. Now, President Fart-feathers, we gotta demon to visit.” We waved the knight goodbye and headed for Noctesha.
The actual visit to Satine’s was…okay, I guess. I wandered off again and met these really cool demons. They knew about my game and taught me how to make candy skulls! Gloyd back home would love this! We went out some time around 5 o’clock. It took us two hours to het there and another two back, not to mention we had to change back into our regular clothes. Afterwards, we headed on the train, that snooty designer from before waving good-bye as we left.
“You wanna come back another day?” Ralph asked as he got into a seat.
“And risk wandering off a third time?” I laughed. “You gotta be kidding!”